Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
