I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
