There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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