how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
