Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I can text with my tongue
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
