And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
