Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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