she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
