Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
