Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
