And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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