You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
