what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
