yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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