Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
