my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
