Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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