can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
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Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
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She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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