Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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