every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We had sex on a dog bed..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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