you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
