Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
