sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
