Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
