Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
