mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
