I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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