running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
