All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
