Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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