I haven't been this sober since birth.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
