What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
