you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
