the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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