I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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