The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
