Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
