He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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