and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
