the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
