the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
