So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
there is glitter all over my balls
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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