I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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