why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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