GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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