A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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