shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I AM VODKA MAN
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
