Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize