Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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