Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
