You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
