I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
