I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
