The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
