new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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