party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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